Off the wagon and on again.

I'm beginning to realize that quitting sugar is a lot like quitting cigarettes (based on my friends and family's experience) or heroin (which I've read about). It's tough, so tough! When I started this quest I had this quaint notion that I would quit sugar, walk away, and feel so awesome I'd never go back. Feel so healthy, self-righteous, elated, alive... why would I want to touch that stuff again?

Well! That is just not the case. It became a battle somewhere, involving a whole lot of guilt and weird back-and-forth arguments in my head. Never a dull moment to be human, I guess. The trick with quitting anything is to just pick yourself up and get back on the wagon as soon as you can, like the next day. I just lost the will somewhere, caught up in the misery and stress of schooling and then my internship. It just didn't seem to matter anymore to take care of myself in the way I know best. Maybe the psyche likes misery? Hey I know! We're miserable and stressed, let's compound that by altering things drastically with that sugar drug! Whee, isn't this fun?

Plus, the fact that there is sugar around constantly in the place I work (and the place I went to school) means I can never escape. I used to dream when I was a child that someday I'd have a big glass jar, as tall as me, that was an eternal fount of candy. No matter how much you took from it, how much you ate, it was never empty! In that world, you could eat chocolate for all your meals, and boy was that fabulous! Well, it's nearly a reality with the way we live today, and with the endlessly filled candy dish at work (not to mention cookie Thursdays, plus thank you gifts from clients, do-gooders bringing in donuts, etc, etc... endless...) It makes is so challenging to live up to the highest ideal I have given myself.

It makes quite an interesting vortex or whirlwind, too; eat that crap, feel guilty/ bad that I'm off the wagon, compound with stress from work, eat more of the crap to try and feel better (the mind likes arguments like- well, I deserve some pleasure, don't I?); feel worse, crash, eat more. Next thing you know I'm buying it instead of just eating it at work, and voila! Not only am I off the wagon, I'm sitting in the dirt watching it pull away. Oof!

I never wanted it to be a battle where I could beat myself up for making mistakes. In fact I am always telling others to be gentle with themselves if they slip and eat pie at a family dinner. It's ok to be human! However, I need to remind myself it's for my health and it really doesn't make me feel good to crash and burn in that endless cycle. Or worse, hurtle towards diabetes. Goddess forbid!

After being "off the wagon" for quite a long time, I've jumped back on, cold turkey. I cannot allow myself even a little bit because it's a gateway. Depression and stress are no excuse because frankly, they are worsened by sugar. I know this! Instead of leaving it as an indefinite thing, I have decided to be a bit more gentle and go month by month. I am simply doing a sugar fast this month. None. No sugar. That's easy, I know I can do that, that is an attainable goal! It is a perfect way to detox, and trick myself into compliance. It's easy to go around the candy bowl at work when I can say to myself- not this month! I'm not eating sugar right now.

Then, next month, I can do it again. And again. Until I am back in the swing and can write on here how amazing I feel not eating crap.

I was prompted to jump back on due to the fact that I got sick again. When I am not eating sugar, I never get ill. Now I've been battling a lingering cold/ crud for weeks and I'm disappointed. Not only that but I gained some weight, feel terrible, achy, and so on. How shameful, since I know the prevention and the cure! Old habits truly die hard, and people where I live are very unforgiving of those living an alternative lifestyle... very suspicious of those who do not eat the All American Diet. Many of the people around me are overweight. It's an epidemic in this country, as we all know! I want no part of the modern diseases our diet has caused us. Time once again to stop.